All is well. Do not adjust your internet.

I’m about to hit “publish” on a passel of very old blog posts. Since my content went kerflooey, I’ve been slowing cutting and pasting — laboriously cutting and pasting — my old posts back into WordPress. It is exhausting but also rather interesting because I haven’t visited my 2004 and 2006 self in a while.

So, if you start to see some really random and OLD posts cropping up here, that’s why.

Junkie

I have a problem, and it’s only getting worse.

I don’t know when it started, not exactly. Last summer, I think. In all the kerfuffle over the wedding preparations and the hoopla of all that is brideness. Maybe it was the stress of “that one special day,” “every bride is beautiful,” “all eyes will be on you.” Maybe I’m just predisposed to it. There is my mother to consider, after all. She is similarly afflicted.

Whatever the case, however it started, I’m addicted to YouTube beauty videos and makeup.

Y’all. This is an ISSUE.

I’m looking at my YouTube subscription page and, Jesus H. Christ, I have subscribed to a metric shit-ton of “beauty gurus.” What’s that you say? What in mother-flipping hell is a beauty guru? Come on. Have you missed out on the wonder and delight that is Emilynoel83? Or MakeupGeekTV? Or, heaven forbid, Pixiwoo?

I. AM. HOOKED!

Makeup tutorials. Product reviews. And, dare I say it? Hauls. Oh my god, the hauls! These women (and a few men) are entirely responsible for my wanting, needing, have-to-having various and sundry makeup and beauty items. I have a list, people. A list of products to find and buy. I’m on a cosmetics safari and woe betide anyone who gets in the way of my quest for a dupe (that’s makeup-speak for duplicate, or good imitation) for Mac’s Woodwinked eyeshadow or that perfect cheek highlighter. I’m not even kidding you. Cheek highlighter.

There once was a time when I owned one eyeshadow duo and a couple of lipsticks. Now? There’s a vanity table. And Lancelot had to move in a shelf right next to it to hold various lotions and potions and doohickeys. Let’s not even discuss the lipgloss drawer. Shh. Just don’t ask.

But you know what? You can hold an intervention all you like. I am unstoppable. You can pry my Estee Lauder Sumptuous mascara and my Rimmel Lasting Finish 24H Foundation from my cold dead hands. I plan on being a beautiful corpse.

Patrick: You can’t prevent death with face cream.

Sally: Yeah? That’s what everyone thinks, but no-one’s ever used it in the quantities I do.

– Coupling TV series

Zero charisma!

Last night Lancelot and I “watched” E.T. I say “watched” because we’d had a very busy weekend and had just returned from seeing Harry Potter and eating coma-inducing Mexican food, so pretty much we saw brief segments between nodding off on the couch.

I hadn’t seen it in a long while, and boy howdy was it a blast from the past. I mean, the clothes, the phones, the furniture. I was more engrossed in the time capsule than the story, which is admittedly sweet. While Lancelot slept I’d be all, “Oh my god, look! I totally had that ______. Oh, right. You’re napping. Sorry.”

Anyway, it just made me all nostalgic for macrame planters and Asteroids T-shirts and orange shag carpeting. I want to suck on a ring pop and put those ribbon-y barrettes in my hair and watch the MTV that had videos. Next up I’m hoping for a viewing of Six Pack or Mr. Mom. (<— “Yeah, 220, 221. Whatever it takes.”)

In which I hem and haw.

I’ve decided that, even though I don’t quite know what fate might have in store for my blog, I can’t stand for it to just be gone, daddy, gone. So I’m slowly reposting all four hundred million posts that, luckily, I managed to save before my blog went kerplop. I’m having to cut and paste the posts with the comments included in the body because that’s just easier and what do you care? You don’t.

Anyway, yeah. Blogging may resume. I may write again. Or not. Probably.

On taking compliments and sloth butts

Scene: Last night, eating dinner on the couch and watching TV.

Him: You have a beautiful profile.
Me: {startled and not paying attention} Huh? I do?
Him: Yep.
Me: But full on I’m a mess?
Him: No. You’re beautiful that way, too.
Me: Well, thank you, baby.
Him: {smile}
Me: Why haven’t you told me that about my profile before?
Him: Because I’m retarded. I could tell you the internal anal temperature of a three-toed sloth, but the other stuff? I’m an idiot.
Me: Huh. Well, it’s nice to hear. Want to see it again? My profile, I mean.
Him: Absolutely. Lay it on me… Gorgeous.

from → Relationships

6 Responses leave one →

• 2010 MARCH 19
  Finn PERMALINK
  What is he doing to these poor sloths?
• 2010 MARCH 19
  Captain Steve PERMALINK
  Seriously? 3 toed sloths? Perhaps that’s an issue that needs to be discussed. . .
  Adorable.
• 2010 MARCH 19
  chris PERMALINK
  Awwww, and seriously, hands off the sloths.
• 2010 MARCH 20
  flutter PERMALINK
  I wonder what a sloth profile looks like.
• 2010 MARCH 25
  A Free Man PERMALINK
  And you didn’t ask him to tell you the internal anal temperature of a three-toed sloth?
• 2010 MARCH 26
  Joe @ IrrationalDad PERMALINK
  Seriously!! You left out the temperature? The last thing I want to plug into Google (for my wife to stumble across later today) is “What is the internal anal temperature of a three toed sloth.

Nothing better to do.

** Sorry to any who had their comments on this post disappear. There was a database hiccup or something. **

Oh, hi!

I kind of forgot about blogs and blogging there for a while. In fact, I’m forcing this. My desk is clear at work, Twitter and Facebook are updated, I can’t be bothered to do anything useful, like alphabetize something or make important phone calls, so I’m blogging.

That’s just how it is right now. You understand.

But I’ve got free time, and if I’m so damn disappointed in myself for not writing I should just go ahead and write, right? Right.

So. I’m writing.

Did I mention I spent the holidays in Europe? Well, I did. And it was marvelous. Mom and I went over to Dublin to visit my brother. I arrived on Christmas Day and from there it was just a blast for two fun-filled weeks. We drove around Ireland and stayed in cozy inns and got lost and shopped and ate and drank. And then we went to Frankfurt for a few days and had an entirely raucous and faintly debauched New Year’s Eve where I drank something called Red Kisses and watched cabaret performances and danced until my feet hurt and wandered back to the hotel happy and blotto at 5 am.

And now I’m back, and life is fine, but I miss Europe and cobbled streets and foreign languages and worldly expats who spend their Euros like it’s Monopoly money on things like Veuve Clicquot and Italian shoes and train tickets.

I don’t know if I’m done here or not. Probably not quite, but I just don’t know. I feel like maybe it’s time for something else, but what? You don’t see me writing anything else besides this blog, do you? No. Me, neither. But maybe I just need to be inspired. So, inspire me.

Oh, and I have missed you. Honest. All of you.

from → Blogging, Ponderings

7 Responses leave one →

• 2010 JANUARY 12
  Claire PERMALINK
  I almost always find it hard to come back after a vacation and jump right back into normal life. Inspiration will come; look everywhere!
• 2010 JANUARY 15
  chris/formerlyfun PERMALINK
  See, even this, I like. I think the longer I have blogged the more self-conscious I have become about what I publish. I’m trying to get back to just posting what I feel like and not cringing that it’s boring, or stupid, or navel-gazing or Lifetime channel sounding and just do it.
  Maybe I just need homework, like in creative writing classes where they tell you to go write. Hmmmm.
• 2010 JANUARY 18
  Joe @ IrrationalDad PERMALINK
  ALL OF US??? Let me know when you get inspired, and pass some of it along my way. I’ve got blogger’s block again.
• 2010 JANUARY 22
  A Free Man PERMALINK
  Glad you got to do Ireland at the holidays, that’s the best time to see it. Also glad to see you back on the internets!
• 2010 JANUARY 26
  Just-Beth PERMALINK
  dear sweet lord baby jesus, don’t fucking QUIT on me! I know I haven’t been around lately but it sounds like YOU haven’t either, so quit the effing ‘quit’ talk and just say you’ll post when you effing FEEL like it and if someone doesn’t like it they can take their effing eyeballs somewhere effing ELSE.
  But don’t you DARE quit on me!
  xo
  b.
• 2010 JANUARY 28
  blues PERMALINK
  Oh I’ve missed you too. AAAAAhhhh you were on my side of the world! I feel closer to you already knowing you were in my neck o the woods.
  I’m back to blogging….kinda….I promise…sort of.
• 2010 FEBRUARY 16
  Florida Girl in Sydney PERMALINK
  I see we’re on the same blog posting frequency.

Editors can be picky little bitches.

From the monthly Chicago Manual of Style Q&A:

Q. For Chicago style, is there a mandate on whether a paper clip or staple should be used?

A. In manuscript preparation, paper clips work well; binder clips and rubber bands are ideal. Such WMDs as staples should never be used. Never. If one lands on your desk, it should be dismantled immediately. [SAFETY ALERT: Proceed with caution. May result in torn documents and/or personal injury unless performed by a professional trained in the use of the proper device (and probably even then).]

A-FUCKING-MEN. PREACH IT!

from → Work

6 Responses leave one →

• 2009 DECEMBER 2
  Beej PERMALINK
  OK, how the hell would I get a staple through my manuscript? It’s 400 some odd pages long. That’ll be one big ass staple.
• 2009 DECEMBER 3
  Finn PERMALINK
  Amen indeed. How DOES anyone get a staple through a manuscript anyway?
• 2009 DECEMBER 3
  maggie, dammit PERMALINK
  Yer so funny.
  xo
• 2009 DECEMBER 29
  LarryLily PERMALINK
  HELLO???
  anyone here?
• 2010 FEBRUARY 15
  Florida Girl in Sydney PERMALINK
  I fucking hate staples.
  I’ve been M.I.A. for a while now too.
  Hope you’re doing well chica.
• 2011 MAY 14
  tavoli PERMALINK
  OK, how the hell would I get a staple through my manuscript? It’s 400 some odd pages long. That’ll be one big ass staple.

Nothing says “love” like…

I have a cold sore. It’s terribly glamorous. And it means no kissing, dammit.

Driving around last night running errands, being sweet, and holding hands.

Me: I wish I could kiss you.
Him: Me too, babe. Instead I could just put it in your poop chute.
Me: That’s not the same!
Him: What? It’s romantic.
Me: Nothing says “love” like anal sex.
Him: Honestly.

from → Relationships, Sex

7 Responses leave one →

• 2009 DECEMBER 1
  Finn PERMALINK
  *snorts*
• 2009 DECEMBER 1
  Finn PERMALINK
  *snorts* Who says romance is dead?
• 2009 DECEMBER 1
  Kizz PERMALINK
  Word.
• 2009 DECEMBER 1
  Ginny PERMALINK
  At my house that doesn’t say “love”. It says “I’m too cheap to buy you a birthday present.”
• 2009 DECEMBER 2
  Gypsy PERMALINK
  Good call, Ginny. Good call.
• 2009 DECEMBER 4
  Joe @ IrrationalDad PERMALINK
  I’ll try that on the wife…. “If you love me, you’ll let me stick it in the exit.”
  I doubt I’ll post the results because I know it’ll be something like “over my dead body.”
• 2009 DECEMBER 5
  blues PERMALINK
  cracking the hell up right now at Ginny´s comment.

My comeuppance

Things are kinda tight around the old Gypsy-Lancelot household (and I don’t mean in my hoo-ha region, although they are there, too, you dirty-minded freaks — wait, that’s just me, isn’t it?). We’ve been making it, but there’s no cushion to speak of (damn, I really am talking about finances — why is everything sounding dirty?). Lancelot has recently started a new and much better job, but it’s early days yet and we haven’t quite gotten caught up. I know — I just know — things will get better for us financially, but right now we’re struggling like a lot of people.

So I thought, hey, why not try to pick up some part-time freelance editing work? Surely there’s something out there for someone as qualified and capable as I! Well, you’d think that, wouldn’t you? But I haven’t found doodly squat.

Finally I stumbled upon a fairly mediocre online content provider who shall remain nameless. This is a company who squeezes “writers” (I use the term very, very loosely) for $7-15 an article on such illustrious topics as “How to Repair a Window Panel.” I’m only partially ashamed to admit I have written for them in an effort to gain a little extra pocket money. Hey, you do what you gotta do.

But I figured I’m an editor: They hire copyeditors. Problem solved. After some hoop jumping and emailing and test taking, come to find out my test results “don’t meet their standards.”

I don’t meet their standards.

What the hell kind of standards do they have that someone with almost 10 years of editing experience and an MA in publishing is unqualified?

At first I was scornful. I mean, come on. But then it really got to me. What if I really screwed up the test? What if I’m a sucky editor? What if I can’t hack it and I’m doomed to mediocrity and I’m total failure and I’m doing the entirely wrong thing with my life and I suck, I suck, I suck!

All because they don’t think my work meets their standards. Let’s just forget all the kudos and accolades and stuff I get at work day-to-day. Let’s just set aside my passion for the job. I’m just gonna take their grubby little words for it.

No I damn well am not!

Ok, so maybe I’m not Ms. Supergalactic Editrix Exceptionale. Chances are there’s an error or two in this post, for heaven’s sake. But I fucking care about it. I pay attention to words and meaning and context and grammar and punctuation. I read about it, I notice it, and I love it. So they with their big fat “standards” can suck it. Interrobang!

from → Work

16 Responses leave one →

• 2009 NOVEMBER 4
  Not Afraid To Use It PERMALINK
  You didn’t meet your standards bc you are too damned good at what you do. They were afraid the “writers” wouldn’t understand what the hell you were talking about.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 4
  Finn PERMALINK
  Anyone who wants to pay a writer $15 for an article is not interested in quality. I’m actually surprised they have editors at all.
  The Internet has lowered the bar for writers; I can only imagine the same goes for editors.
  It’s not you, it’s them.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 4
  Coal Miner’s Granddaughter PERMALINK
  I would have to say, that in this instance “Don’t meet their standards” means “She’s over-damned qualified and we can’t afford her because she’s good. Real good.”
  I’m just sayin’.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 5
  Gypsy PERMALINK
  I’d like to think you’re all right. So I will.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  mary PERMALINK
  I used to work for this company so obviously their standards are not high:
  http://www.proquest.com/en-US/default.shtml
  My first job there was editorial assistant….i organized the paperwork for the freelance editors….back then everything was on paper so all the freelancers had to be close by….maybe now they hire editors from afar.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  Joe @ IrrationalDad PERMALINK
  It likely means you are over-qualified. You’d end up setting the bar much higher for the other folks, which would make things unbalanced, cause strife, et cetera.
  Mostly, it probably means they saw your work, looked at their budget, and figured they couldn’t pay you what you’re worth.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  Claire PERMALINK
  I get similar rejections from online schools and I have taught online forever and have great student evaluations. It’s like, even though you’re qualified, it’s not good enough. You’ll find something though!
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  blues PERMALINK
  I’m a totally unqualified proofreader. But I edit the English and since all the documents I read are written by Germans, Italians, Spanish, etc, they think I’m qualified just because English is my native tongue.
  I hope I never have to take any sort of exam. That would suck hard.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 7
  Kevin C Jones PERMALINK
  Your job description reminded me of a documentary about the caste system in India.
  In the state of Bihar this is still strongly enforced, and the dalits have a new sub-caste called the “rat-eaters”. The upper caste landowners reward them by allowing them to eat all the rats that they catch. And it always tastes like chicken.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 8
  Here In Franklin PERMALINK
  As a writer, I have to say that editors drive me crazy. Until my present job, I never dealt with editors–I dealt with creative directors. You didn’t really want to learn about window panes anyhow, did you?
• 2009 NOVEMBER 9
  Beej PERMALINK
  Perhaps you didn’t meet their standard because YOURS are too high? Certainly a better way of looking at it, isn’t it?
• 2009 NOVEMBER 12
  A Free Man PERMALINK
  Standards are for losers.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 15
  Mae December PERMALINK
  Hi Gypsy.
  I’ve started a collaborative blog with different women discussing their different sexual encounters and how they define themselves through them.
  It’s not erotica, it’s pretty basic.
  I was wondering if there’s any chance you’d like to be a part of it.
  You can check it out here: http://ChocolateForAphrodite.blogspot.com
  and if you like it, drop me a line at libertad 22 mj at hotmail dot com telling me a gmail mailing address so that I may send you the invite and you can write in it as well. I’d be very honored if you decided to go ahead and do so.
  if not, that’s OK too and I won’t take it personally.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 27
  Mongoliangirl PERMALINK
  They are quite clearly very drunk or WAY below that 100 point IQ average.

I also love a man covered in brake grease

So, my car broke.

I know. Shocker. Wait, what? Something in Gypsy’s life broke? There was an unexpected expense? Surely not.

Yeah. There was this noise, and it wasn’t a good noise. It was an angry, jeering noise. It was a noise that screeches, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little wallet, too!!” Or something like that. Anyway it was bad.

So I took it home and I described the noise to Lancelot (“Screeeeeeee!! And then grrrrrrroaaaaaaning griiiind.”) and Lancelot was not pleased. Because he had already, in the span of maybe two or three weeks, replaced his water pump, replaced my starter, and replaced his radiator. By himself. In our driveway. Pretty much he never wants to work on a car ever again ever. But he does because, hi, have you seen the economy lately?

When he checked out my car he discovered that, SURPRISE!, it’s my rotor. Oh, and my caliper. And the brake pad. Triple threat! Aren’t we blessed? Remember that whole economy thing I mentioned? Yeah, that meant we couldn’t get it fixed at a shop, and it also meant I had to not drive my car until Lancelot had a day off to be able to fix the beast. So, I didn’t drive for a week. And that is all kinds of upsetting and crippling and I know I’m totally whining here, but it’s really hard to be without a car, I don’t care how lucky we are to live in America and fuel costs and greenhouse emissions and carpooling and blah-dee-blah. Don’t care. Want my car!

Yesterday was Lancelot’s day off, and do you know what he did? What that gorgeous, sexy, talented, wonderful, handy man did? He spent 9 hours working on my car, and y’all he fixed it. And I have it back. And it’s glorious and he totally got a blow job for it.

from → Relationships

10 Responses leave one →

• 2009 NOVEMBER 3
  Coal Miner’s Granddaughter PERMALINK
  Good man!
• 2009 NOVEMBER 3
  Have the T-shirt PERMALINK
  This is precisely why I need a man, and I think a blow job is the appropriate compensation.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 3
  flutter PERMALINK
  as well he should have!
• 2009 NOVEMBER 4
  rassles PERMALINK
  You lucky, lucky woman.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 4
  LarryLily PERMALINK
  Dam, all I do is take said vehicle in to get fixed, let her use my car, and all I get is the bill.
  Something is wrong here LOL
  No, I get all kinds of loving. Its just funny to see it the way you describe it.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 5
  Gypsy PERMALINK
  I’m way lucky. Also grateful.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  Joe @ IrrationalDad PERMALINK
  Men will do ANYTHING for a Beej.
  I’ve learned quite a lot about (simple) auto repair over the last year or so because of the economy and the outrageous costs at repair shops. Thank goodness for google! I love coming in the house and having the wife say, “you smell like outside.” Then I tell her of all the hard work I just performed to get her Blazer to purr like a kitten again. After a very relaxing shower… I wait…
• 2009 NOVEMBER 6
  blues PERMALINK
  Did he look all hot while he was laying under the car and did you bring him lemonade in a miniskirt? No? How come everything seems porgnographic to me?
  I fucking love men that work on cars and stuff.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 12
  A Free Man PERMALINK
  Man, I hope our economy doesn’t get so bad that I have to work on a car. Just not that butch.
• 2009 NOVEMBER 19
  trouble PERMALINK
  But did you swallow?