His away from hers
I wasn’t imagining things. The things I wrote about us, about him, the way I felt, the way we were together — these things were real. These things are real. I didn’t make them up. I didn’t gild that lily. I didn’t convince myself we were good together. I just convinced myself we were unbreakable. I convinced myself we were moving right along, nothing to see here, sunny days, dynamic duo, no need for alarm.
He convinced himself he was bad for everyone, that he was an asshole, that he broke everything he touched, that he was worthless, that he didn’t deserve love/work/happiness/me, that everyone would be better off if he left, that it wouldn’t hurt, that it was right to go, that he was right.
He was so sure, so certain sure, that pulling out and moving on would be the answer. And when he’s sure, that’s it: done, decided, gone. No matter what, no matter the conversations and consequences he’s leaving out. Might as well try to hold back the tide.
Until later, some days later, when the certainty fades in the face of reality. When missing me sinks in, when losing me sinks in. When the life we made and the one we planned go south and all there is is him there and me here and a river of hurt between us.
He calls and he has that voice, the one that’s for me only, the one that says I love you and I need you and I’m trying. He comes down to get his things while I’m not there and he can’t, not with his life put in boxes, piled in a corner and away from my things: his away from hers. He waits for me to come home, his eyes red and swollen, my eyes red and swollen. And we watch TV, talking like we used to, laughing like we used to, until one of us remembers and the tears come again.
He says he’s sorry, he never meant to hurt me, he loves me more than anything, he just needs time, he doesn’t deserve me, he’s not going anywhere, he’ll only be three hours away, he needs this, he needs the beach, he needs to get his shit together, he needs to do it without me, he needs to do it without my help, he’s sorry he’s sorry he’s sorry.
And being with him is the same, and kissing him is the same, and holding him is the same. And he brushes my tears away and I brush his away and we don’t decide anything except to keep going, to keep trying.
Oh Gypsy. I’m at a loss for words. I know I’m sounding like a broken record but your ability to blog right now is admirable and I’m grateful you’re letting us see inside.
bluestreak’s last blog post..Half-assery/sorry Rasslery and an update on the job front
I wish him luck in finding his way back to you. And I wish for you strength in finding your way without him. xoxo
Finn’s last blog post..I’m Not A Bitch
It will be all right – Just a feeling, but I’m convinced.
Here’s hoping things will work out…this sounds so much like my husband and my relationship @ year 11…we are now approaching year 16 together (15 if you count the time he wasn’t sure what he was doing). Our relationship is so much stronger and deeper.
Chrissy’s last blog post..The words of others
I understand he says this is what he needs. But what do YOU need? Where do and what YOU need fit into all of this? Relationships are about balancing the need of your partner versus your own need and finding that balance. As painful as all of this is, don’t let his needs outshine yours. Continuing to send you hugs. (did you feel that?)
NATUI’s last blog post..Headache Vs. Fever
NATUI is right,as women we so frequently, probably too frequently bend to fit what the men in our lives need. I think time away, if this is what this becomes, gives us an opportunity to figure out what we want, remember our value and when/if the two people wome back together I do think it’s important to assert what you want, what you deserve to have, what you need to make you happy and secure. I noticed that you used ‘he’ and not Lancelot, I’m guessing he’s going to have to earn that back. The bad thing with leaving, even if it’s to get your head around something is you create a sliver of doubt that can widen into a chasm. You’ll figure it out G, you’re a smart girl.
chris/formerlyfun’s last blog post..I See London, I See France
Oh, this is GOOD, so good to hear.
Post from a divorcee whose ex-husband did the same thing: I understand someone needing to take time to figure out what he or she wants but if you two are in a relationship, which means you two stick together during the good and bad times. He can’t be breaking your heart every 5 years or so, it’s not fair to you. When you love someone you don’t put them through that hell. If he does love you than that’s all that matters and you two can figure it out. Just be careful, you don’t want to get married and have this happen again (especially if you ever have kids). Your a strong woman. Wishing you all the best.
I have to say I agree with NATUI – try to keep your needs first through all this mess – I also don’t think it can be as cut and dry as “If you love someone you don’t put them through that hell”. But bottom line, we all know it’s far more complicated that either opinion really. You have to do what what’s right for you, and for the relationship you’re fighting for. Im pulling for both of you.
Chanda’s last blog post..Stating the Obvious
I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this pain, hon. And I hope that this time away does bring you back together, closer than ever before. And stronger.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Ice Ice Baby
I’ll second Natui and FF, for him– it’s about him, and don’t you forget about you.
Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..The Dinner Party
God woman. You broke my heart a little bit with every line. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you both figure it out soon. xoxo
Maria’s last blog post..Moving on…
Ah shit. Not getting any easier to deal with is it. I’ve been that guy before, the one that is convinced that he fucks up everything he comes into contact before. If he’s really that way then he’s going to have to sort out his own self-esteem before he’s capable of holding down a healthy relationship. I hope he can.
A Free Man’s last blog post..Give me back the Berlin wall, give me Stalin and St. Paul
that’s all you can do, sweetheart
flutter’s last blog post..because if I’m not writing on my blog, someone should be
No matter how hard you try, you can’t love him enough for the both of you. It honestly breaks my heart that he has found himself in that kind of low, and it’s so sad that he has someone who loves him as much as you do that is getting hurt, too. You know him better than anyone. You’ll know how long to hang on and whether or not to ever let go.
Angel’s last blog post.."I would love to coach there someday… " (but I’m not wearing those damn flipflops)
Do what’s right for you….and if that’s waiting and working through it…then be there and be strong. If however what is right for you (and only you know that) is to take your own time, your own space and your own break…to figure out if it still works FOR YOU…then do that. I know this sounds confusing….so I guess I’ll cut to the chase: I know you’re smart, and strong and all of that shit….but I’m also worried that your needs get lost in all of this. It’s OK to put yourself first…even when it sucks, even when it’s hard and most of all when it’s about something so important.
PS – Things have been pretty dark and depressing here too…we’ve been wading around, feeling things out…the weeble makes for a pretty difficult obstacle in terms of our decision-making. I hope we’re heading towards a better place but its still too early to tell. I haven’t blogged about it…for fear of opening up a floodgate I can’t close.
Whoever said Love conquers all is a moron. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that simple. I love you, you love me, no problems!?
I hate that you’re in pain, but your pain will cause you to seek out your truths. We are kind of forced to look deeper when we’re in pain, and if you go deep enough, you’ll figure out the direction you want to go in.
I wish for you wisdom and strength, because they can carry you to the other side of the pain.
Have the T-Shirt’s last blog post..And They’re OFF!
I’m really not good at this advice thing when relationships are the issue.
So make a fist, and cry a little, and watch “In Bruges.” Because that’s my kind of feel-good movie.
rassles’s last blog post..Frickin’ Gorgeous
I’m with rassles: advice is not my area, but her idea sounds like a good one. I can’t really follow the “In Bruges” line, because I haven’t seen it, but I’d go “Fight Club” or maybe “Iron Man.”
I’m no help at all, but I’m sorry!
Captain Steve’s last blog post..Not An Apology
Son of a bitch – love stinks.
I’m hating you’re going through this – in your Gypsy/Buddha-like way, you know exactly what’s wrong (don’t we all, really?), but the boy got to find his own way, as do you, even if it’s just for a little while.
Hang in there baby – I’m pulling for you, for what it’s worth.
we_be_toys’s last blog post..Perspective
I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now but myGOD this was good.