I am not Zoltar
You all remember this Ask Gypsy stuff, right? When I decided I was going to be the next Ann Landers, but hip and savvy and sexy? And you recall that it never quite took off, despite my hilarious and terribly helpful attempts? Right.
Well, it seems that my fizzled dreams of being an advice columnist have presented me with a new and unexpected opportunity: psychic.
Because apparently the whole “gypsy” label is fraught with latent psychic abilities. No matter that I’ve spelled out right there linked from my About page why I’m called Gypsy (it’s a literary reference, not an indication of my background or profession). Nevermind that nowhere on my Ask Gypsy page do I claim access to the otherworld, sadly. I mean, I’ve been known to dabble in Tarot, and I like reading my horoscope, and I have an uncanny knack for solving TV mysteries, but that’s about as close to fortune telling as I’ve ever been.
Still, some folks out there have come to me via Ask Gypsy to get insight into their futures:
will he be going back to… his previous job regular hours monday thru friday without any more work stoppage like real soon here he is getting worried as am I and he needs to get back to work to get back on track here.
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iam pregnant and iam waiting to find out if it is ectopic or not is everything ok will it be normal,i also troubled the the baby might not be [redacted] and would like to know if i will have a girl or boy this time round as i had girl last year,also will ihe a normal natureal straight forward labour ll i go early on time or late this tie as i was late last time and had a c section .
thamk you
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i had drema vision abotu male with are female with red hair and green drees she
driving i car that was color black and it was nightmare
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I have intuition and “knowing” but about other people. I am a libra female and in love with a gemini man, it’s complicated. If you think you might have insight and I could tell you more , would you email me?
Never one to disappoint my readers, here’s my best attempt at what the future holds in store for you: disappointment, loss of funds through uninformed decisions, being swindled because you didn’t read the fine print, becoming an easy target, no opportunities in the communications field because of your appalling writing “abilities,” misplaced confidence in strangers, jumping to illogical conclusions, and the shocking revelation that the earth is round and you are not its center.
There. That’s all. My crystal ball has gone cloudy.
Now, if you’d like to ask me a question I might actually be able to help with, like a relationship problem or picking out what to go with that nice green jacket you just bought or advice on how to deal with a meddling mother-in-law or informed instruction on sex toy purchases, I’m your girl. Ask away. Just don’t expect me to know lottery numbers. If I knew those, I’d be wealthy enough to do something worthwile with my time, like buying Rolls Royces and jewel-encrusted pimp cups and having my toenails painted with real gold.
I’d like to have jewel encrusted tonsils? Is that possible?
Betsey’s last blog post..Twitter Is Going To Kill My Blog
I googled “Ask gypsy” and I’m just going to click on the link to your page over and over again until it’s at the top of the google listings. Hopefully, you’ll get more requests, and can give out more idiotic advice. WE ARE SITTING ON A GOLDMINE. Yay!
rassles’s last blog post..This Summer Is Going To Be Epic, And That Means Expensive
The answer I want to know is… when I kick the ass of my HOA vice-president, will you come bail me out of jail?
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Irritable Vowels
I would like you to tell me why strange people approach me in public. Also, will I win the lottery? Oh, and, that guy I met at the supermarket, will he be the love of my life? And, will my estranged brother finally call me back? Plus, I have this cat who totally hates my dog, will they ever get along, Disney style? Will people ever realize that Grillz are really fucking gross? Will the aliens ever take Tara Reid back? Will High School Musical ever make me stop wanting to murder people? Will I stop making random outdated pop culture references?
Seriously, though, the first one is true. If, you know, you have anything…that would be awesome.
S
Erratic’s last blog post..10 things I learned this weekend.
What’s this shit about me not being the center of the world?
A Free Man’s last blog post..Watch your soul, cause science is golden
Ask Gypsy…I hadn’t discovered your awesome blog yet when you were writing that. But I would so love to read you giving advice. In fact, I might even send in a question or two.
The questions that those folks above sent disturb me on a lot of levels. First and foremost, numerous grammatical and spelling errors and the non-capitalization of “I”.
Gwen Jackson’s last blog post..I Laugh or else I’d Cry
Do you know the muffin man?
Have the T-shirt’s last blog post..Where a Mistake Comes Back to Haunt the Blogger
PAH!
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..my dog died.
You mean you’re NOT a psychic? Could you at least do the rocking motion thing, with the open mouth, like Zoltar did, and then shoot out a piece of paper, that says, “Your wish is granted”? You’ld be amazed how many people would be satisfied with that.
PS, so if my last Tarot reading had a lot of wands in it, does that mean I have a stick up my butt?
we_be_toys’s last blog post..Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (and a few recipes)
And here I was thinking you were a real gypsy this whole time, just waiting for you to confirm my rich future (and by the way, my toenails would be diamond encrusted, just for summer though, you know, sandal weather, I’ll be rich but not wasteful).
blues’s last blog post..This is me. There’s a freak show going on in my brain.
You so totally know what this year’s Halloween costume has to be.
NATUI’s last blog post..Princess Leia Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me
Betsey: If you want perpetual tonsillitis, sure, have at it. At least you’ll be sparkly on the inside.
Rassles: Do it! I’ll be the tops.
CMGD: If I can scrounge up the cash I’ll definitely bail you out. My dad’s a lawyer, too, just in case.
Erratic: Like attracts like, no, ask again later, probably, no — it goes against nature, not for another five years, got I hope so, no never, absolutely not. Shew! That took a lot out of me.
A Free Man: I know. I had trouble with that one, too.
Gwen: Oh, I’m still taking questions! It just kind of petered out.
Have the T-shirt: I’ve got him on speed dial.
Maggie: Indeed.
WeBe: Out my mouth? No. But maybe… Nevermind.
Blues: The rich could learn a lot from you.
NATUI: Oooooh, good call!