Even the assholes in my life weren’t that bad
I read the blogs of friends and strangers who have been through some truly ugly stuff with men. They’ve been lied to, used, criticized, abused, punched, forced, raped, cheated on, down-trodden, beaten, called names, stolen from, and ignored. They have scars, mental and physical and sexual, and they’re deep but healing. These women carry the wounds of bad relationships, bad friendships, bad acquaintances, bad strangers like the tattoos of prisoners of war. They’re marked by those experiences, they’re changed, in good ways and bad ways and both ways.
My father, though often absent, treated me like a princess and still does. I had no funny uncles, no lecherous family friends, no neighborhood bullies. No man has ever raised a hand to me. My father never even spanked me. I’ve never been forced, and I’ve hardly even been unduly pressured. I’ve barely been criticized by men, really. They’ve rarely made me feel dirty or ugly or unwanted or stupid or any of those hurtful, horrible things. To me, men were always fun not feared.
The biggest jerk in my life I knew when I was 14, and the worst he did was be too old and weird for me and fart in the car before I got in. There was one older guy who wouldn’t take me to homecoming, but I barely cared about him anyway. Small hurts, little pricks.
I’m sure there were guys in college or high school who talked about me, who belittled me to their friends. But they never said anything to me. No one has cheated on me, that I know of, and I’d just as soon not know. Lancelot, for all his faults and his temper, has never in the 12 years of our relationship called me any names, judged my past, or said things that made me feel unattractive or worthless or dumb. He criticized, I think we all do. But it was, “We need to get some exercise,” “Stop nagging me,” “I need some alone time.” It was never, “You’re fat, you’re a bitch, I hate being around you.”
My friends talk about the men who hurt them, what they did, how they still deal with it. I try to understand, but I can’t, not really. I don’t want to have that frame of reference. Who would? I remain thankfully, blissfully ignorant.
And that worries me because there is a slim (I tell myself it’s slim) chance that I will have to tread the shark-infested waters of the dating pool someday. With Lancelot having lost his mind and no sign of it returning immediately, we may not make it. It took me six minutes to write that sentence, so heartily do I strain against that truth. But there it is. I may one day be single and looking. And I am a veritable lamb to the slaughter, it seems. I know that not all women experience these trials, but many do. Though I’ve escaped thus far, how much longer can that lucky star shine on me? It makes me want to keep my nice man, my supportive man, my loving man, my unjudging man, my wouldn’t-raise-a-hand-to-me man close, closer, closest. He makes mistakes and he hurts me, but in unintended ways.
In my years of being single, in bouncing from bed to bed and romping unattached and carefree, I never got hurt. Wounded pride was all I suffered, and that not long. I am open and honest and unbound by caution. I haven’t been taught to suspect, I haven’t been forced to distrust. And I really don’t want to learn now.
You lucky, lucky little gem.
I’ve always considered myself to be lucky, which surprised the hell out of my friend (Mojo126). But I guess I’ve considered myself lucky because I’ve had the fortitude to withstand the shit.
Betsey’s last blog post..Texting With Monkey, Or There Is No Way In Hell I’m Going To Survive This Parenting A Tween Thing
Sometimes, not always but more often than you might think, the unintended woundings are just as bad as the intentional ones. I think it’d be a mistake to shortchange your tally of experience.
Kizz’s last blog post..I Was A Turtle
It might happen, or you might make it through your entire life without going through those kinds of drama. Either way, you can’t let the fear of it hold you back. We have to live our lives even if it’s scary.
Angel’s last blog post..I Chose the Moonbow
I’ve never had the abuse. Sometimes I feel like everyone except for me has something sordid. It’s almost like an excuse to be single. Then there’s me. No excuse. Just am. Fucking stupid, stupid, stupid relationships. Gah.
I wish I could say that you will love being single. I love it sometimes…but for the freedom, not the variety. I don’t think I could take the obligation of being with someone. I’m really not built for it.
rassles’s last blog post..You Can’t Call Your Own Life A Legend, Anyway.
Well noooo..that’s stilly! It’s not “lucky”….I mean, maybe, it is…but it’s all in where you take it, you know? If you know to expect a certain kind of man, that chances are that’s the kind of man you’ll go for, and if there are ever any signs of something different, then you’ll recognize it very much so. It’s all about what you’re seeing inside yourself, the love you have for yourself, and what you’re willing to put up with.
I mean who knows, I might not know what I’m talking about, but I think it deserves a thought.
Mae December’s last blog post..Dear Mae,
I could share some long story about the assholes I’ve been around, but it would be dumb. Mostly because I played my part. Lots of fighting, demeaning and yelling. I wonder how I ended up with Hellbilly sometimes. Then I remember we’ve both worked our asses off to heal up from old wounds and move on together.
I don’t know Gypsy, sounds like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders. No worries.
And, I should admit that I’m confused about if you and Lancelot are staying together or not?
Mongoliangirl’s last blog post..Is that really true?
I’m glad no one has ever hurt you in a serious way. I’ve never been physically hurt by men (well except for my dad who did spank me, but I don’t know if that really counts as abusive). I’ve had a lot of the verbal stuff, the constant criticism, treating me like shit, emotional bribery where I felt like I had to perform sexual acts to keep a guy from leaving me. It sucks. I think I got used to it in such a way that being with my husband who treats me with respect feels strange. Anyway, I think you respect yourself enough to run far, far away from men who treat you less than what you’re worth. And you’re worth a whole lot, in my opinion.
Gwen Jackson’s last blog post..Ballerina Girl
I’ve looked high and low on your blog for an email address and I can’t find one. I wanted to email you privately on something. My email address is gwen6275@aol.com. If you are cool with giving me your private email and don’t mind giving me your email address, please send it to that address. Thanks!
Gwen Jackson’s last blog post..Ballerina Girl
Well, I’ve had a few assholes, but I truly believe those experiences were MY OWN FAULT. Had I been in a better emotional state, I probably wouldn’t have even gone there in the first place.
I’d like to think I’d do better now at avoiding the assholes, but I’m too gun shy to even get out there and try.
If you do end up looking, I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Have the T-shirt’s last blog post..An Observation
The worst men in my life are the ones I am related to and the worst times were when I was a kid. I have had pretty good luck with men in my adult life. However, I am mostly alone and single most of the time. Men float in and out of my life quickly. It is easy to please and be pleased when the relationships are short.
mary’s last blog post..Grab some popcorn and watch a "movie"…
I share similar experiences to Ballerina Girl. I have never been physically abused, but have witnessed it. And I have my fair share of emotional baggage. I don’t really have any advice here. If it comes to it, and you are thrown headfirst back into the dating pool, I hope that nothing happens to change your perspective.
There are some amazing men out there and I think the hardest part about finding one is opening yourself to the possibility. You already have that covered. During my single days, I always found genuinely good men to be fake or felt like they were playing a game to get something from me. Fucked up, right? But in all those years, I never found a man who was truly a bad person. I just don’t think people tell the stories about the good ones.
Erratic’s last blog post..Grandma: The After Show
I am glad for that, you deserve that.
flutter’s last blog post..
I, too, have been lucky. I came close once, but missed out on the worst of it. Someone was surely watching out for me.
Funny, but at the odd time I’ve considered being single again, it never occured to me that anything like what you describe would ever happen to me. And honestly, I can’t imagine it happening to you. My feeling is those kind of assholes are attracted to women they perceive as weak. My asshole caught me on the rebound, when I was off guard. He discarded me when he realized his mistake.
I hope you don’t have to, dude.
Captain Steve’s last blog post..My Near Death Experience
Your words are beautiful.
Chris’s last blog post..I got a meeting in the ladies room (not the Klymaxx song)
I am in the same boat as you. The guys I dated were all truly nice guys. I’m still friends with most of them (wow, that makes it sound like there were a lot:). I was Daddy’s little girl, and still feel like I am — it’s been a day of thinking about my dad (as reflected on my horrendously sad post today that made my sister bawl)– oh well, it had to be said.
Other than my dad flaking out on my family when I was 17 and never coming back, all the men in my life have been good too. Lucky us.
Same. I put myself into a lot of situations in which I could have gotten properly fucked up and over. Never did. That’s why I believe that most people aren’t out to hurt me. And I’m a lucky bastard.
If you end up back in that blasted dating pool – and I appreciate how hard it was to acknowledge that that may be the case – I hope you keep your good luck.
A Free Man’s last blog post..I came in here for the special offer, a guaranteed personality
And if by chance you do get hurt, let me know. I’ll gather up a couple of the big boy bloggers and we’ll come down and fuck the bastard up.
A Free Man’s last blog post..I came in here for the special offer, a guaranteed personality
Ugh, I’ve had my fair share of fucked up men. Some so bad I won’t even go into it here. But I kind of agree with Beef Curtain. I was probably a crazy bitch with them too.
I’m really lucky to have found a good guy like Ghost. He’s enough of a dick to keep it exciting, but he’s just so goddamn sweet too! I love that he can say, “I love you, skank” and it makes me smile
I hope you don’t have to get back into the dating pool because it fucking sucks!
I have been through all of the above, and you have been through most of that with me. Whatever happens I will be there with you, every step of the way….
What hill said. Thanks for holding my hand these last couple of years. If you have to swim in the nasty dating pool again, I’ll be here for you.
Gypsy, I think that those things didn’t happen to you because you wouldn’t tolerate it. You know who you are, and you will only choose to spend your time with people who respect who you are.
Beej’s last blog post..Let the Record Show
As your life has been, so all women’s lives should be.
If you find yourself in that dating pool again, it sounds to me like you will handle yourself the way you always have and happiness (and a good man) will find you quickly.
This was an intimate post to walk in on, as a first time reader, but I really enjoyed it and felt I needed to comment. Hope you don’t mind.
I don’t know what to say to this one…. I guess, what Flutter said? Can I just steal her words?
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..And the wall comes crumbling down
Oh shit, Gypsy, I know that was a hard one to write. You will make it and you know it. You’ve been lucky and you will continue to be.
blues’s last blog post..London Bridge is Burning Down