Balancing Act
I started summer hours at work last week, so Friday I was out of the office by noon. I was wandering around Goodwill (as I am liable to be doing at any given time these days — it’s becoming a problem) when Lancelot called. His entire family was in town from all over and they were heading to the creek to swim and wouldn’t it be nice if I were there? Yes, it would. I haven’t seen his sister and her kids in years — she even has two more little ones now that I’ve never met. I love his aunts and his cousins, not to mention his mother who I know has had her heart broken by this whole separation thing. So Lancelot asked me to drive over, and I did.
Initially I came up with all sorts of excuses. It was last minute. I’d have to bring the dogs. It’s so hot and I don’t want to drive. But I’ve been making up excuses for not living for a while now. I’ve been telling myself I can’t for one reason or another, just keeping myself to myself and burrowing in. And when Lancelot moved out I told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore. So I dashed home, packed a bag, loaded the dogs in the car, and took off.
Two and a half hours later I was hugging his momma and hearing her tell me how much she loves me and has missed me and how glad she was that I’d come. I only stayed one night, but it was lovely. His family is so welcoming, hugging me and asking me how I’ve been. It was good to see Lancelot with his nieces and nephews, letting them pile on him and drag him around and chatter his ear off. He’s much better with them than I expected.
After walking on the beach with his family and laughing and telling tales, Lancelot and I curled up in his bed and twined around each other, burrowed into the cool sheets that smelled like suntan lotion and sand and Lancelot. And it was precious to be able to nestle into the crook of his arm and slide my fingers across the smooth, warm expanse of his back and feel the prickle of his beard against my forehead.
I left around midday Saturday, cherishing the time I’d spent with him and his family but wanting to give him some more family time, wanting to get back to my plans with friends for that night. And I found myself proud of that — proud that I’d made time for him and for us, but also for me.
I do believe things happen for a reason. Perhaps there is a lesson you needed to learn about your life, and only Lancelot leaving could help you learn it. It seems to me that you are a very apt pupil and are embracing the lesson.
In other words… well done.
You are brave and wise and wonderful.
Kizz’s last blog post..Glee Club!
This sounds lovely.
Betsey’s last blog post..BoomTube, Episode Five, Just go to your room and don’t come out until you can apologize, missy/mister
Good for you. It’s a balancing act you’re doing, and you’re doing it well.
Ginny’s last blog post..Swag
A beautiful day. I’m so glad you didn’t miss it.
Sounds like a fair shake on both sides. Glad you had a good time, dude.
Captain Steve’s last blog post..The Proposal
wow….absolute progress my darling….funny how life shakes out sometimes. Much love your way!
wn’s last blog post..my place
It just sounds so easy and warm. Damn.
rassles’s last blog post..Top Five?
I spent the weekend at home reading good books, taking naps, messing around with our horses, doing laundry and a bit of gardening. Hellbilly, on the other had, had TONS of commitments; workshops to lead, sponsees to meet, meetings to attend. We finally caught up with each other this morning. Yeah, that balancing act thing really works.
Mongoliangirl’s last blog post..Some Days I am Hysterical. Maybe I’m just awful.
this was a wonderful post, with some wonderful messages and a great lesson.
Good job gypsy! good job.
Mae December’s last blog post..Beat it.
It sounds like you had a wonderful day and I’m glad you got out there and yet at the same time came back for you.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Do You Want a Beer?
You should be proud that you were able to balance everything and NOT exclude yourself.
It sounds like you had a great weekend
Have the T-shirt’s last blog post..Paranoia
Check you right out! Rock on, girl!
Beej’s last blog post..Counting to Seven
Sounds like you’re getting there.
Rae’s last blog post..Good day for a picnic
I love that olfactory image – suntan lotion, sand and you’re guy.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and call a spade a spade. I’ve been the guy in a similar situation before. Don’t take this the wrong way, but is there any chance he’s just fucking with you? Pulling you along by a string? Keeping his options open while looking around for something else? Obviously I don’t know y’all and I don’t know the intricacies, but like I said, I’ve been in a similar situation before. And that’s exactly what I was doing. Keeping the ex close while actively on the lookout for something ‘better’. I couldn’t stand to be alone.
Apologies if I’m out of line, but I’ve gotten to the point that I consider you a friend in that odd 21st century way, and just wanted to make sure that you’d run through this in your head.
A Free Man’s last blog post..Now you’re coming back, stronger than you ever were before
Finn: I’m trying.
Kizz: Thanks. I don’t feel like it very often.
Betsey: It was.
Ginny: You’re going to have to remind me of that when I totter off.
Mojo: Me, too.
Captain Steve: Yeah, I was pleased. Still am.
Wn: Thanks!
Rassles: Warm it definitely was.
Mongo: I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it, but I’m trying to learn.
Mae: Thank you.
CMGD: Time was I’d have shucked everything for him and stuck around regardless of my plans or needs.
Tshirt: It was really nice, thanks.
Beej: Rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot.
Rae: Trying to!
Chris: You aren’t at all out of line, man. That’s a perfectly reasonable question. But, no. I seriously doubt it. I would be very, very surprised if he were thinking about finding someone else. It’s possible, of course, but I doubt he’d invite me to come hang out with his family if he were tomcatting around. Plus, I’m pretty sure he knows there’s no one “better.” But people will surprise you, I’ve come to learn.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Balancing Act
you are balancing just fine on this tightrope of “together” but not “together”! if your day job doesn’t work out maybe you could run away to join Cirque du Soleil
mary’s last blog post..Late Nite Links
Good on you, girl
flutter’s last blog post..The Luxury of Safety
I like reading this!!! It makes me happy and hopeful for you.
Yay! That sounds like SO much fun!!!
I’m really proud of you too.
blues’s last blog post..Can I get you some more crock pot food?
I’m so happy for you. You are making a real break through.
I’m sorry I’m so late with my comment. I’ve been falling behind on my reading. I am certainly happy you had such a wonderful day and that you’re finding a good balance. I guess I’m wondering if there isn’t any danger in going back there, to that place that is so comfortable and familiar in his bed, in the crook of his arm. Will having these moments make it harder for you to move on if you ever have to? I could be completely out of line asking that question. I just know that you are in an unsure place. I realize it’s a balancing act – but at what point do you get off the tightrope? I’m sorry if I shouldn’t ask this question. In any case I’m happy you’re happy. I just want you to stay happy.
Gwen Jackson’s last blog post..More to Hate
Mary: It’s not quite so perilous as that. It’s maybe a tightplank instead of a rope.
Flutter, Kimmy, Hooker, Blues, & Carrie: Thanks! It feels pretty good.
Gwen: Oh, you ask away darlin’, and don’t apologize for it. There’s definitely danger in going back there. It opens me up to all kinds of hurt. But it opens me up to all kinds of happiness, too. And being with him feels too good and right to pass up, whether it leads to heartache or not. If I have to finally move on, it’s going to be hard as hell — hardER doesn’t really factor in. As for the tightrope, I get off when we figure out how to make it work or that it won’t. Right now, we’re getting pretty close to figuring out how to make it work, so I’m happy balancing.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Balancing Act