Rising to the challenge
The other day when I asked for blog fodder, the lovely and talented Finn threw this unsettling but insightful little gem my way:
Finish this sentence: When I leave him, and I will, just as surely as someday I will die, I want him to remember me as…
Oof. My first response to this? Nuh-uh.
You may have gathered from the posts I’ve written the past couple of months that I don’t walk away, admit defeat, or let go very easily. I am quietly, perversely stubborn. My father once told me that he and my mother used to tell me what do to and I’d smile and nod and do what I wanted anyway, getting my way in the end through sheer determination.
And you know how hard it was for me to admit that I may have to date again someday. I wasn’t kidding when I said it took me six minutes to write “we may not make it.” In fact, it may have taken longer. Because I stick and I stay and I fight and I will wrassle the world to the ground if I have to to get what I want. Oh, I’m all niceness and charm while I’m at it, but make no mistake: I’ll probably win.
So thinking about leaving him being inevitable is, for me, like planning for failure, like giving up. And I can’t seem to do that, even if it’s in my own best interest. I made a commitment, and him walking away from his commitment to me for a little while doesn’t release me. Not in my mind, not in my heart. That may be wrongheaded and blind, but I can’t help that. And I don’t want to.
This challenge, this emotional mad lib, cuts to the quick because it forces me to consider eventualities I’d rather ignore. No, not just ignore: refute. Because chances are I will not leave him, however complicit in my own misfortune that may make me. For all his faults, and they are many, he is my coming home.
However, though it may seem otherwise, I am not a coward. And I will answer this challenge because it may well be good for me to illustrate my finer qualities, those things about me that Lancelot will perforce recall if he cringes alone and bereft of my affections. But I will, obviously, delay, explain away, and countermand the suggestion that my leaving him is a foregone conclusion. See? I just did.
So when I leave him, and I will, just as surely as someday I will die, I want him to remember me as determined, generous, beautiful, strong, loving, sexy, smart, funny, giving, tenacious, and kind. He should remember me as the best thing that ever happened to him, the best friend he ever had, the best lay he ever had, the best woman he ever knew. And he will, because I am.
—
Thanks for this, Finn! I’m exhausted, but it was worth it, I think.
He can’t really say ‘good-bye’ to you because he already knows all those things about you. Let’s hope he gets beyond whatever it is he needs to get beyond, so that he can come back to the wonderful women he kmows you are
Have the T-Shirt’s last blog post..A Dreary Fourth Outside
Whoah boy. What a post! Man oh man!
You’ve got a massive set of balls, woman. Seriously. I’ve always left, not giving a shit what they think or remember me as, and then made amends later.
Right now? My 2nd husband can accurately say, “She was a raving, bitching, yelling, insecure bitch. But boy did she own her shit, like, a year after we split.”
Sad but true.
Mongoliangirl’s last blog post..Jeremiah 13:23
Wow, hon. You totally rose to that challenge. And he will remember you as thus. No way he could otherwise.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Let Freedom Ring!
Just so you know, it never occurred to me that you shouldn’t wait for him, or that hanging on to your hope is a weakness.
Not once.
rassles’s last blog post..Oh, The Heart of Rock and Roll Is Totally Still Beating.
Gah, why would he possibly remember you any other way?
Betsey’s last blog post..I’m putting the words Juke Box Hero in the title because the song is bitchin’ and I just want to
Tenacious G.
Wow, it’s scary to think about doing what you really, really don’t want to ever have to do. Good for you, the hardest questions sometimes do make the best fodder and it hits home because most of us have been there in one way or another. Is it just a little sick that I want most of my old bfs to remember me that way, pine for me, just a little bit?
chris/formerlyfun’s last blog post..Mauna Kea Kisses
I wish I could read this but on my browser (IE) all I get is gray type on maroon background…impossible to read. What am I doing wrong?
HereInFranklin’s last blog post..Getting out of your comfort zone
XOXOXO
(You know this was meant as fiction, right? Still, well fucking done.)
I want him to remember me for ripping the buttons off his business shirts when I was mad, then leaving them in the hanging in the closet unable to be worn when he went to put them on later in the week.
(passive aggressive ex-boyfriend baggage)
Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..Ants in my Pants and Slugs in my Uggs
I like it.
That answer was just amazing. I tip my hat to you.
NATUI’s last blog post..This Ain’t Your Mamma’s Music