Greater than the sum of our parts
A question for Ask Gypsy:
I think you know that I had my breasts removed and reconstructed last year preventatively because of my BRCA2 mutation. Lately, I worry that I made the wrong decision. Yes, I don’t have to worry about getting cancer every day of my life, but I lost a very important part of my body. Losing them has lowered my self-esteem exponentially. My reconstructed breasts are nowhere near as lovely as the originals and they have zero sexual sensation. I basically have two hard silicone balls on my chest (that sounds weird but just go with it) with a red slash on the front of each. They are a bit bigger as they are B cups and my real breasts were A cups. Anyway, I’m happily married now and I know my husband loves me despite my unattractive breasts. But I worry that if he left me, I’d never meet a man willing to accept this new model of me. So I have two a couple questions for you, and please be honest.
1. Do you think I made the right choice? In other words, would you have done it?
2. Will I still be able to find love if I found myself single again? Or am I completely hopeless?
1. The easy answer? YES. Your life is more important than your breasts.
I know that’s an oversimplification, but it’s my gut reaction. Having your breasts removed and reconstructed may have saved your life, and though your life may frequently seem not worth saving, it is. It is to your daughter and your husband and your family and friends and, yes, even those of us strangers out in blogland who read your heartfelt, gorgeous, agonizing, and often really funny words and want to, variously, pull you in close for a hug and slap you silly.
I don’t want to trivialize your self-esteem issues because they are important and they do have a very real influence over your happiness and quality of life. But this, I think (I hope!), is a passing insecurity. These breasts are new and incomplete. If I remember correctly, you haven’t any nipples, right? Now I don’t know about breast reconstruction, but I assume the doctors can add them, and I would think that might improve your appearance. Is this an option? Also, can you consider replacing the silicone with saline? I understand from my mother (who has had both) that saline is more “natural” feeling.
Darling, what’s done is done, and there’s no going back. I truly believe you made the right choice for your health, especially considering your family history. Now you just have to figure out how to live with this right choice that has left you disappointed in the results. Have you visited any forums or message boards dedicated to women who’ve undergone breast reconstruction? Perhaps the support and community of women with similar circumstances and experiences would help.
2. As for your husband or other men finding you attractive, being able to love you, that’s another resounding YES. I don’t know how to say this without seeming to minimize your very understandable fears, so know I say this with love: snap out of it.
People with missing limbs find love. People with malignant growths on their noses find love. People with greasy hair and smelly pits find love. People with pigment disorders, people who are balding, people with acne scars, people with bum knees, people with cauliflower ears, people without appendages, people with small dicks, people with huge noses, people with cankles, people with bad teeth, people with eczema, people with hairy backs, people with webbed toes, people with moles, people with squinty eyes, people with delicate wrists, people with weak chins, people with felony arrest records, people with flat asses, people who are overweight find love.
Our ability to love and be loved has so very little to do with our outward appearance. Sure attraction is physical and outward, but you’d be surprised what people can be attracted to, especially when they are open and accepting, and who wants to be with someone who isn’t open and accepting? So you’ve got fake boobs with no nips right now. I’d bet very few guys would mind, quite honestly, and those who would aren’t worth your time anyway, so fuck ‘em.
Your “situation” is covered by your clothes. You have the rare opportunity in this world of imperfection to keep your problem area under wraps until you’re ready to reveal it. And by that time the dude will be so entranced by your smile, your heart, your grit, your art, that being told you have reconstructed breasts will be all, “Cool, lemme see, touch, lick.” And on the off chance he’s turned off by your tits, honestly? Buh-bye. Why would you consider being with someone who couldn’t see that saving your life, being healthy, and honoring your sister’s memory is worth having a different appearance above your waist and below your neck and obvious only to those who see you naked?
I want you to like yourself. I want you to look in the mirror and smile at your reflection. I want you to know you’re beautiful. I want you to stop hating yourself, stop devaluing yourself based on perceived imperfections. I’d bombard you with compliments if I thought it would work, but it won’t. Because you don’t see yourself. If I dragged you in front of a mirror and pointed out all the lovely, strong, pretty, normal, sweet, precious, beautiful things about yourself, would you believe me? If you saw someone else in that mirror, you’d see them clearly. You’d know that their parts were pleasing, even with a few extra pounds, even with scars, even with stretch marks, even with a birthmark in the shape of Texas. But can you see that about yourself?
This may seem trite or saccharine or a waste of time, but hold your breasts. Smooth lotion on them, dress them in lovely lingerie, be gentle with them, appreciate them. Fake it if you have to. Entreat your husband to do the same. Make it a habit. And maybe the habit will sink in.
=====
Many of my readers will know who asked this question. Those who don’t, I know there’s some background information you may not be privy to, but just go with me on this one. Thanks.
You’re right. I think this chick needs to stop being a whiny little bitch. What’s weird is that I know this girl and she is so not superficial when it comes to everyone else. It was a cruel twist of fate that she was pretty much forced into cutting off the one thing (well two things really) that she liked about her body. Is that ironic? I don’t know. In any case, I think you made a good case for the fact that, in general, it’s more attractive to be alive than dead from cancer. I mean, unless you’re into corpses or zombies or whatever. I’ve tried to tell her some of this stuff but she is, like, addicted to hating herself among other things. Maybe she’ll listen to you. I know she thinks you’re pretty awesome.
gwen jackson’s last blog post..Eve’s Agony
I have no idea who you’re talking about, but God bless her. I really wish we wouldn’t put so much stock into our bodies. Even without drastic measures time takes it’s toll. I’d like to believe that I’ll be as lovable when I’m 80 as I am now (maybe moreso).
But I do understand her fear. And I love what you said. I think it’s right on. I hope she takes your advice.
And to whomever this is about: I bet they look just fine. Maybe not the same as the originals, but fine in and of themselves. I hope you find peace with them.
Amen!
Yes.
I don’t know who asked this question, but your answer was stellar.
I’m one of those people you mentioned:
“People with missing limbs find love. People with malignant growths on their noses find love. People with greasy hair and smelly pits find love. People with pigment disorders, people who are balding, people with acne scars, people with bum knees, people with cauliflower ears, people without appendages, people with small dicks, people with huge noses, people with cankles, people with bad teeth, people with eczema, people with hairy backs, people with webbed toes, people with moles, people with squinty eyes, people with delicate wrists, people with weak chins, people with felony arrest records, people with flat asses, people who are overweight find love.”
I have a pigment disorder, large patches of my skin are snow white. This is not attractive. And yet, I’ve found love countless times.
What I know from experience is that when someone knows you, really knows who you are, they love *you* and everything that makes you, you, including your imperfections.
If lobbing off both of my boobs would save me from the potential of dying of breast cancer, they’d be history.
And anyone worth being with would love me in spite of their absence.
Have the T-shirt’s last blog post..Mama Said There’d be Days Like This
I had a breast reduction done in my twenties. My bf at the time said do whatever makes you comfortable. He loved my breasts but I loathed the attention and didn’t feel like I was taken seriously. I was a dd+(I wore DDs but was in denial and refused to move to the size I really was.) Plus I am all of 5′1 and frankly, it looked obscene and the attention I drew made me uncomfortable. The scarring was bad initially and I showed my bf with trepidation. He was tender and kind and reassuring. It took months for sensation to return, though I know it might not in your case given the amount of tissue removed, and the scars were angry and red for over a year. But then they faded to white and you can hardly notice unless I lift my breast you can faintly see the anchor scar they used to whittle me down to a full C. I’ve had countless boyfriends since then and then a wonderful husband and though I initially felt trepidation on inaugural nekkidness, no guy ever stopped touching me or boinking me. We women, are way harder on ourselves than men ever are. Most guys without major issues are just happy to be invited in. My husband has said many times, understanding that I am a fickle and vain creature, that whether it was my hair or my boobs or my colon, whatever, if there’s cancer mucking things up, then it has to go. I know men like our bodies but they like us more.
Sorry this is so long, just thought I’d share from one hacked at boob to another. Great advice too Gypsy.
chris/formerlyfun’s last blog post..He Said, She Said (and the Bebe Said)
Solid advice, Gypsy. Particularly on topic 1. It’s not a good idea to fuck around with cancer when you’re genetically predisposed to it. I don’t know shit about #2 but she’s lovely and if someone can’t get past the whole boob thing then they don’t really deserve her anyway.
A Free Man’s last blog post..And where the hell do the days go? There’s another one sneaking away.
I don’t know if this will help the person involved or not, but my ex-husband has the worlds tiniest penis, and still hasn’t found any shortage of women who are willing to fall in love with him.
So, needless to say, that gives me hope. Unlike the questioner, who has a perfect flat stomach (I’ve seen it), and a cute curvy little figure, and darling hairstyle and a very pretty face, I have a flabby belly, fat cellulite speckled thighs, and bulgy under-eye circles. I’m a middle-aged mom with two kids, a history of dating abusive men, and chronic panic disorder.
And yet, men have still fallen in love with me, and probably will someday, in the future, if I have to try this all over again.
Take heart, brave one. You did the right thing. You chose to LIVE. That’s always the right choice.
Those breasts that you so beat yourself up about…are a symbol of your courage to keep on living and fighting another day, and I know how hard it is for you to make that choice someday.
This is why I got a tattoo, I wanted a permanent reminder of my unwillingness to settle for being treated like property. That tattoo is my symbol. Your breasts are a symbol of your courage. because of that, they’re beautiful.
None of us makes to a certain age without scars, and the scars are a sign that we’ve really LIVED.
I think it’s damned sexy what she did. That’s more amazing to me that a set of breasts that could kill her. She’s brave. And I think she should wear it like a badge. I know I would be.
Great answer Gypsy.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Scream
boobies are soooo wonderful. love my boobies and can’t imagine having to gve them up. my heart goes out to this woman. *hug*….
mary’s last blog post..
I think your answer was perfect, Gypsy. And I thought Gwen’s comment was spot on as well.
Here in Franklin’s last blog post..Steve McNair
OK, the only difference between a woman’s feeling that her entire self worth is her body can imply that to a man she could be replaced by a virgin-vinyl blow up doll from a cheap palace-o-adult gift store.
Which to even the most caveman Bubba here on earth isnt true. The sense of “being” is not the package, its the stuff that genetics cant create. Its the life experiences; good and bad, the mental outlook and the whole sense of being a human that makes each of us unique. Its the laughing at silly jokes, stupid tricks and the eighing when some duffus does something to yet expand downward the meaning of being stoopid that makes us what others find so dam sext, interesting and fun to be with. Maybe she needs to visit older couples in a nursing home. People that no longer love each other because of rock hard abs, pert boobies or coke can johnsons that drives them to love each other.
No Virginnia, there is a santa clause, and he is fat, jolly and well, fill in the other blanks.
And the caveman, well, he would still need someone to clean that doll up.
LOL
LarryLily’s last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman
Also:
Work it.
rassles’s last blog post..Oh, The Heart of Rock and Roll Is Totally Still Beating.
wow! I keep being surprised by the amount people are willing to bare their souls online. Some of the comments seem harsh, but wow.
Effete’s last blog post..Babysitting vs Parenting
I agree wholeheartedly. Beauty has very little to do with breasts. Have you ever met someone that you didn’t find attractive? But then you talked to them and suddenly they were the sexiest person you’d ever met? That’s a deeper beauty that extends further inside.
Men are dumb, I should know because I am one.
It is silly to think of us in such complex terms. We see boobies, we like them. Are they real, are they fake? Why would we delve that deeply into thought. We see boobies, we like them.
Women should know, if you think highly of something, then we will. So adjust your attitude abandon fear like a dress you’ve held all day at the boutique, but then decide it doesn’t make your ass look as good as you thought.
She has nothing to be worried about. Hooray for beating cancer.