On hiding
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m not as confident as I seem. Did I not seem confident? Oh. Then my ruse is working even less well than I imagined.
This weekend I took a big step. I put up a recent picture on my Facebook page. (And no, I’m not going to show you.)
Doesn’t seem monumental, does it? Well, it was.
In spite of my bluster, in contrast to my sauciness, I’m deeply, perhaps profoundly, insecure. Much of the time I struggle to remember that now is now and that then isn’t going to come around again. I got older. I put on weight. I don’t look the way I’d like to and when people from my past — those who knew me when — see what I look like now… Well, I panic.
Which is so fucking ridiculous it’s not even funny. But it’s why, for years, I haven’t posted pictures of myself anywhere that people who haven’t seen me in a while could see. Because I wanted them (and me) to maintain the illusion that time has been kind.
Alas.
Realistically, time hasn’t been kind or unkind: it’s just been time.
Epiphany has been instigated by, of all things, What Not to Wear, which I’ve been watching ad nauseum. Because, fuck it, I am who I am now, and wishing or hoping or remembering isn’t going to change that, and I might as well make the most of it before even more time marches on and I’m left wondering why the hell it mattered so much that I wasted so much time worrying about it. Time that could have been spent living instead of hiding.
I am 33 years old. I have some gray hair. I’ve packed on some pounds. I have beautiful eyes and pretty hair. My nails are naturally decent, and I’ve yet to find any wrinkles. I get pimples and stray hairs and my heels are atrocious. I need a pedicure. I tan easily. I have enormous nipples and a round, shelf-like ass. I have thin ankles and nice feet and great eyebrows and extremely long eyelashes.
That is the truth. And that? Is really not so bad.
When I posted that pic on Facebook, my fingers itched the minute I uploaded. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to learn how to use Photoshop really, really well, so I could airbrush my chin and even my skin tone and wipe away 30 lbs. But I left it. And for that — stupid, ridiculous, shallow, superficial as I am — I’m proud.
But I still want to take it down.
OK, the way you describe yourself, we must be twins! Except for the eyebrows…and the 6 years older than you thing. And what the hell do we do about the heels? Mine look like mini-grand canyons.
I totally get the itchy fingered feeling. You did something brave.
Kizz’s last blog post..Eyes Open
The only solution I know of is frequent pedicures. And Avon makes a great heel cream. — Gypsy
I am so totally the same way. That’s why so many of my pictures are in black and white. Hides some of the flaws.
Loving yourself is so damn hard. That’s why I’m on lexapro.
Jenny. Bloggess’s last blog post..Conversations I have with my husband when stangers are standing too close to us
Hmmm… Black and white. Now there’s a thought. — Gypsy
Yes… black and white! It does wonders.
I so get how you feel. Back in the day I was a skinny little shit. Now, not so much.
Good for your for posting it. That’s the first step. The next step is to start watching “How To Look Good Naked” on Bravo (I think) on Friday nights. It’ll help, trust me.
Oh, the heels… get a good pedi, then buy the Curel Targeted Therapy foot cream and put it on every night before bed. It’ll keep your heels from cracking.
Thanks for reminding me, Finn. I’ve been wanting to watch that. — Gypsy
Have you ever met someone and after you talked to them and their appearance radically changed and you thought “Oh, now this is a sexy person” only because they made you laugh, they’re clever, and just impossibly cool?
That’s you. Your beauty comes from your wit, your humor, your laugh. IMO, that’s the best kind of beauty.
Aw, thanks Beej.
But can’t I have both? Can’t I be hot because of my personality AND hot because I’m hot? Too much to ask, right? lol — Gypsy
Pictures are completely overrated – at least in the blogosphere one can be misunderstood for what they SAY, rather than what they look like…
Dot-dot-dot…
[insert smiley-faced emoticon here]
Good point, Sir Ellipses. — Gypsy
Self love is so hard and as we age, it gets even more difficult.
You should be proud of posting your pic on Facebook.
Now make us all really proud and post one here
Have The T-Shirt’s last blog post..The Box
Shyeah! Keep dreamin’.
— Gypsy
You are who you are! I love pictures. Although I was nervous this weekend. Anyway, beauty is only skin deep!
Yeah, but you can’t see my insides!
— Gypsy
Do you ever browse the profile from Classmates? My 25th high school reunion is coming up, and I went through the profiles and pictures, basically seeing how everyone had held up and trying to decide whether or not to put my photo up.
I did. Because after looking at everyone else, from the prom queen to the quarterback, I saw that time had touched everyone. None of us were who we were but we all have lives to show for the youth time took from us.
And that’s okay.
I do. Problem is, they all look great. Bitches. — Gypsy
ugh. i TOTALLY understand. not only am i addicted to what not to wear, i also watch 10 years younger all the time, too. i hate how i look, especially my hair (yes, i cannot get over the dreaded haircut). and being pregnant really does NOT help. i hate that i cannot fit into normal clothes anymore and feel so frumpy all the time. so much so that i don’t even want to try to be cute anymore because it’s such an effort. is it wrong that i shy away from mirrors at all costs??
shell’s last blog post..overwhelmed and tired.
I’ve only caught one episode of 10 Years Younger, but I can tell it’s addictive. Why do I do this to myself? — Gypsy
I feel just like you. I hide from cameras to avoid seeing the double chin and the extra pounds. I wish there was some way to erase it all but it’s just not happening, at least not easily.
I’m trying. Slowly. — Gypsy
Time stomps on all of us. Hard.
I bet those other bitches in your class don’t think they look good either. They agonize over just which picture to post, which one will do them the most justice.
I’ve never seen a photo of you but I have a feeling you’re beautiful. Your words certainly are, and so are your insides.
Realness? And bravery? That’s hot.
Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..I’ve hit refresh a hundred times and my name is still not appearing.