Edward Cullen is a pretty boy jerkface stalker. There. I said it.
Sometimes I fight the tide of populism. If everyone else likes it, oftentimes I’ll shun it entirely, just to be contrary. Exhibit A: Cabbage Patch dolls. What the hell were these things? Little mutant alien chubsters come to steal our souls. Exhibit B: New Kids on the Block. Little mutant alien boy banders come to steal our souls. It took me nine million years to read The Secret Life of Bees, no matter how many people told me I’d love it, probably because so many people told me I’d love it.
But with the Twilight series—even though it had been touted as the second coming of JK Rowling and
innumerable people were enthralled with the Edward/Bella romance and OMG! it’s sooooo wonderful you have to read it, swoon—I caved with enthusiasm. Vampires? Check. Romance? Check. Werewolves? Check. What’s not to love?
Well, I’ll tell you.
I’ve only just finished New Moon (Book 2), but so far I am not impressed. Remember my vitriolic review of Marked? And how I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns? Well, I don’t hate Twilight. It’s tolerable. I didn’t want to chuck it across the room, even if I did want to bitch slap Bella a time or two. But it’s nowhere near as good as it should have been. And here’s why.
****** Spoilers *******
Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella. A more Mary Sue character I’ve rarely seen. She’s good and kind, leaving her beloved Phoenix to (huge sigh) live in a bumpkin-infested backwater in Washington State to live with her father, who she’s so close to she calls him Charlie. She’s beautiful but has such dismal self-esteem that she can never understand why Edward — OMG! EDWARD! — loves her. And, in fact, neither do I. She has nothing except Edward. No friends, no hobbies, no interests, no aspirations aside from not being a burden to her flighty and self-involved mother and taking care of her police chief of a father who’s been doing rather well on his own for 17 years. She’s smart (we’re told) and good in school, but we’re meant to understand that she’s a loner, a misfit who doesn’t get her peers because she’s mature for her age. Except all the boys love her for one reason or another, and she has to (nicely) fob them off on her girlfriends (who aren’t really friends) or let them down easily because she is, after all, a nice girl.
Except this nice girl’s ambition in life is to become a vampire so she can stay with her broody and tightly wound boyfriend (tell me a man who can’t eat the pizza placed in front of his nose all the dang time isn’t tightly wound) for all of eternity. The whole “I’m a blood sucking danger to society” thing aside, this is not a life’s pursuit. College? Fuck it. I just wanna recline in your stone arms and whisper sweet nothings and not kiss too much for fear of raising your bloodthirst because I smell awesome.
And I get it, awkward is cute. Bumbling and clumsy = approachable and likable. Apparently. Because it’s a wonder Bella lived to see her 16th birthday, so unutterably accident-prone is she. And thank heavens Edward is there to save her awkward ass time and again, after which he will pat her on the head and chide her for having an original thought.
But she’s mopey as all hell and entirely friendless. I mean, who moves away from a place they loooooove (Phoenix is glorious and sunny and holy crap does Bella not want to leave!) never to write to or receive letters from friends? Apparently Bella’s social circle has and always will be conspicuously small, numbering only her godlike boyfriend and his coterie of equally godlike and beautiful family members. Because she’s awkward (but beautiful and selfless) and shy (but vampires don’t bother her at all because she’s beautiful and selfless and accepting).
Speaking of Edward, he’s no Angel. Or Spike. He’s completely flat. Beautiful—achingly, overwhelmingly, heart-stoppingly beautiful. With breath like ambrosia and arms of granite and a penis of… well, he pretty much exists from the waist up. This is young adult fiction, after all. But as I was saying, he’s flat. Emotionless, unless it’s being angry at Bella for getting herself into trouble or swooning darkly over Bella because she’s just so scrumptious. He’s cruel and condescending and he watches her while she sleeps. And the two of them… Grr! There’s no build-up. No courting. It’s just BOOM! Love. Endless, all-consuming, will jump off a cliff for you love.
Because that’s a good role model for young girls: sweeping, weepy, desperate, I will die or at least curl up into a ball and closet myself with homework and aching chest pains and avoiding all songs/books/commercials referencing anything to do with love if I can’t have you because you are the beginning and end of my existence and I might as well just die I love you so, so much, you with your glaring topaz eyes and tousled copper hair, why are you so perfect when I’m so ugly (yet secretly beautiful and nice smelling)?
Sigh.
The one redeeming character in this series thus far is Jacob. Long-suffering Jacob, who (of course) holds a torch for Bella. He faces actual hardship, has actual interests, is wrong-headed at times but completely loyal and sweet like pie. And every time Bella aches for Edward I want to kick her in the pants and scream, “Wake the fuck up, you blithering idiot! Wake up and smell the tall dark and handsome werewolf who you can actually have a conversation with instead of just being moony and mouth-watering!”
Maybe it’s because I know what’s come before; maybe it’s because I’ve been steeped in Buffy and Sookie that I just can’t take Bella seriously. I’m trying, though. I’m not giving up on the series. I’m going to keep plodding along, hoping that it gets better. Because Lancelot liked it. Yep, that’s right. My big bad brawny fiance read the whole series and enjoyed it to no end. I’m thinking he lacked my knee-jerk feminist response. So tonight I’m cracking the third book and praying for some depth. Or that Bella grows a pair and Edward develops a limp or gets a pimple or a collection of troll dolls. Something, anything original or individual or character-building. And if I have to read about “sparkling” vampires again I’m returning my Bedazzler.
I’m kidding. I don’t own a Bedazzler. Yet.
P.S. Apologies to Shel, who graciously sent me the books. You are a gem among women and stupendously wonderful and I adore you.
OK, I don’t want to be a damper I just want to…manage expectations. I’ve read the whole series and I implore you to just…I don’t know, enjoy it for what it is. It’s fun for what it is. Please don’t go looking for more depth.
Also, don’t expect there to be editing.
Still, I really had fun with the whole thing.
Kizz’s last blog post..Sparkle Toes
I’m like you – I never want to do what people tell me. I loved this review but I’m trying to picture it on the back cover of this teen romance. It works for me, but then my kids already swear like truckdrivers! Don’t you hate books where halfway through you realize you should probably just go get shtanked and write the ending in your head while diddling? Or maybe I meant, Don’t you love those!!!
we_be_toys’s last blog post..Fly On A Very Strange Wall
Thanks for giving us your honest opinion, hon. My girlfriend left all three books at my house (yeah, I’m gonna get to them right away – as soon as I read the stack of twenty books ahead of them in line) and I’ll get to them when I can. Maybe when I’m having True Blood withdrawals after the first of the year. Maybe.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Temper, Temper.
I know what you mean. I was really hoping to love them. I started Book 3 a little over a week ago. I am just over half way through, and tonight is the first night I want to read it.
I am sure I will read all the books. Mostly because I spent money on them. But I do have to say, I don’t know if I really agree with the glorifying of Edward and Bella’s relationship. I know I should probably lighten up. But, he forbids her to see her friends, forbids her to go places, all in the premise of protecting her from something/someone she doesn’t need protection from.
So, that being said, we will see if I see any “improvements” with the relationship in the coming chapters.
OK, when I am able to buy you a beer in person I am going to talk your ear off about my opinions on the mysoginy and the glorification of teen violence rampant throughout this book. Also, when I am more organized, I will point you toward some comments I have already made on other people’s blogs on this subject. Suffice it to say…. I agree with you.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Nights like this I’m in love with life.
Wait – not glorification so much as ROMANTICIZING. I’m trying to say that all the romantic courtship is really stalking and control and possessiveness and — ahh, fuck it, I’m going to bed. I’ll try again tomorrow.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Nights like this I’m in love with life.
Well I am so not reading that.
Florida Girl In Sydney’s last blog post..I Make Lots of Mistakes, So You Won’t Have To
I, too, would have chosen Jacob. And I have to admit, I did enjoy the first book then dashed out to buy the rest, but they didn’t capture my attention much at all. Something was lost but I, too, kept plodding on. I know it’s young adult fiction, but I was longing for more. I haven’t even bought the final book, and I doubt that I will. It’s hard when there’s so much excitement about a book/series and you just can’t get into them, no matter how hard you try. sigh.
And I must say that I simply adore you, too!
shell’s last blog post..my must haves.
Kizz: I’m going to read it all it’s just frustrating me. There are some redeeming qualities, I suppose. I’ll try to suspend my disbelief.
We Be: Shtanked? This is my new favorite word.
CMGD: Don’t rush to read them, for sure. Not worth it. What else is in your TBR pile?
Nikki: I’m glad I’m not the only one! (And hey, thanks for commenting!)
Maggie: Yes! Talk my ear off. And romanticizing is totally the right word.
Now, I love me some 70s historical bodice rippers, which are completely misogynistic and horrible, but they’re written for adults and I can stand it because there are other redeeming qualities, and anyway they are a product of the times.
Florida Girl: Wait for the movies.
Shell: Thanks so much for sending them, even though I’m frustrated all to hell by them.
Thank god you’re a dissenter, because the roommate is retardedly obsessed with these books, and I just couldn’t get into them at all.
rassles’s last blog post..I Have Originality Issues. And a Tattoo.
I would say give all four books a chance. It won’t be the greatest thing you ever read but it is mildly entertaining!
Donna’s last blog post..#90 Complete 12 Learning to Love You More Projects
I read it. I blogged about it. I wanted it to be the next Harry Potter, because I loved me some Harry Potter. It wasn’t. It was like any other teenybopper vampire romance novel I’ve ever read, but I had to finish it once I started.
Captain Steve’s last blog post..Just a Small Town Girl!
this is so true!
finally a site that actually makes sense.
you see tons of sites with swooning girls
squealing how hot and romantic Edward is,
but you never see the con side.
i get really pissed when people say they hate Jacob.
they only hate him cause he kissed her in eclipse for heavens sake!
Sounds about right.
However I did love cabbage patch kids and new kids on the block. But to be fair I’m a little younger and my ‘do whatever’s popular switch’ hadn’t yet been turned off.
wow. i stumbled across this and agreed with everything said (or rather, typed). what’s really funny is that fangirls want to marry edward when the whole series is about edward and bella’s romance. I still agree with the fact that jacob is the most realistic main character. even if he’s a werewolf.
when i wake up at the crack of 6 pm as usual, i sit down, type in a search full of insults and or profanities as usual. today, this evening, same thing, i typed in jerk face jerk face idiot jerk face idiot jerk face…and i ended up here.