It’s not me, it’s you: Breaking up with your playdate
You guys may not know this about me, but I hate conflict and confrontation. It makes me ever so uncomfortable. It’s like watching reality TV to me — itchy, like my skin’s on wrong. Oh, I’ll stand up for myself. I’m not exactly a pushover. Ish. But I will try my damndest to find some other way to work things out rather than get all conflicty. Avoidance works. As does humor. And moving house.
So, what do I get in my inbox to mull over for Ask Gypsy? Conflict. And not just conflict, parental conflict. There are kids involved, which means my natural inclination is to just stare blankly, drool a little, and say, “huh?” But I’ll give it my best shot.
Okay, so we had a “playdate” (hate that word and the whole concept) during the summer with a kid from my son’s class. He and his mom seemed like nice enough folks, and we arranged for this kid to come over one day to play. The original agreement, because this is like a first date, was for not only the kids to get together, but the moms too, which is how you get to know and decide if this is a good match (again, very fucked up process, but it’s how it’s done).
Well it came down to the other mom dropping her kid off at noon and saying, “I’ll be back at 5:30″. Okay, stuff happens, I can flex, right? The kids played fine, although I discovered this kid was a serious online gamer (at 9????), as it was all he could talk about. At 5:30 his mom called and said she’d be late, by 30 minutes. Again, okay, I can flex, but I WAS having a dinner party that night, so it was a little annoying. She finally showed up after 6:30, take out dinner in hand, and made no apologies for being late. She also was smoking a cigarrette, as was her husband, in their mini-van, in the presence of both their kids. Their son has asthma and uses an inhaler, so I wasn’t really impressed with either of them. I also have a strict no smoking policy around my kids, which to be fair, I did not divulge – I didn’t know I needed to bring up.
So long story short – I talked it over with my husband and we decided that we really didn’t want to continue this relationship, but that there wasn’t really any politic way to confront and explain this to the other parents. I felt that they would not understand our decision, and not wanting to have or make a scene, I just didn’t return their calls, thinking they would get the hint and let it go. They did NOT get the hint, and this woman calls me every other week, trying to set up a playdate. This has gone on since early August. What can I do? I don’t want to offend them but it seems they can’t take a hint. Help!
You’ve tried avoidance, which would have been my first suggestion: Ignore it until it goes away. I really hate when that doesn’t work. Why can’t people take a damn hint? Do they want you to be rude to them or something?
Now, not only do I hate conflict, but I was raised in the South, which means I am programmed to be polite no matter what. If I were from some other unnamed region of our fair country, I might be able to advise you to be blunt: “This isn’t working for us. I’m sorry.” But even typing it makes me hurt inside and I want to make it all better. And those words in quotes up there? So polite. Really. Look! There’s even an “I’m sorry.” But it still feels wrong to me because, OMG, they’re totally going to have their feelings hurt.
My next suggestion would be to make them break up with you so you don’t have to. Make it so inconvenient and undesirable for them to be with you that they’ll just wander off on their own. Pick up the phone and chat, but for whatever reason don’t be available. Or only be available for play dates between 12:30 and 1:45, and only if they drive, and only if they don’t smoke within 15 yards of your child, and only if they can absolutely positively remove themselves from your home by no later than such-and-such a time on pain of death. Give ‘em rules out the ass.
And that? Is ridiculous. Because shouldn’t we just be able to say what we mean without being all passive-aggressive and manipulative? The answer is no, of course not, or you wouldn’t be asking me. I mean, it’s all well and good for me to tell you, “Just be honest. They’re adults and can handle it.” But in actuality? Holy crap, who can do that? Not me, I assure you. Not if there’s any chance I’ll have to interact with them in a social situation ever again. Because I will be thought badly of, and that’s simply not allowed. Not allowed.
And I’m getting hives just responding to this question because I obviously have no idea how to gracefully extricate myself from unwanted entanglements.
Next up, humor! How can we make this funny? I just don’t think it’s possible. Can you laugh your way out of “we don’t really like you and would prefer not to associate with you”? Can you say, “Here’s the funny thing: you’re not our type and you smell like smoke! Bwahaha!” No. No, you can’t.
So the only logical answer I can give you is: move. North Florida is lovely.
I would just stick with avoidance. If you bump into this woman, just say that the family’s been busy with activities and you haven’t had a moment to call her back.
Man this one is a doozie. I hate it when the only adult way out is painful honesty. The adult way bites!
Kizz’s last blog post..10 Things Oh Lord Help Me
I third the avoidance! Only be honest if cornered. This is why I avoid other parents like the plague.
Finn’s last blog post..All Grown Up
No way to the avoidance. That’s so utterly passive-agressive. Does this person really want her kids learning that the best way to handle a conflict is to play little baby games? She’s tried to be polite – I am ALL FOR trying to be polite for as long as possible – but it hasn’t worked. She doesn’t have to be mean abt saying, look, YOU NOT COOL WIT US. But she DOES have to say it.
I’m from the Midwest. Man the hell up.
Pare’s last blog post..Sunday
I’m totally standing behind everybody else, so you won’t actually notice me, and agreeing with the rest of the crowd – avoidance isn’t pleasant, but how well is it going to go down to say, “Gosh, I’m sorry, but we just don’t allow smoking around our kids, and since you not only smoke, but smoke around your asthmatic child, I’m thinking we aren’t going to be jiggy with getting together. Have a nice day!” Yeah, like a damn lead balloon, that’s how.
I have to say I’m really glad you didn’t opt for confrontation Gypsy – it makes my stomach hurt, just thinking about it. Apparently being raised in the south goes a long way to overide one’s innate northern aggression. For me anyway!
we_be_toys’s last blog post..Busy, Busy, Busy
This is my long-winded advice:
Oh heeeeellll no.
Honestly, it depends on how much their kids get along. If they like each other, then she should probably take the humor approach. If her son doesn’t really care about this kid either way, straight up tell the other mom. Confront her ass off. Fuck it. Watch the vocal tones.
In a confrontation, there are two formats that work. Either there’s peaceful, fair, word-watching. Make sure it’s not passive aggressive, because that would piss her off more than anything.
Or, she could just make her feel fucking stupid for taking advantage. But to pull off that, she’s got to place herself as dominant in the conversation. Do not let the other mother finish a sentence. Laugh at her irrationality. You have to deal with her based on her personality, and how highly she views her personal importance.
But if the kids like each other, humor is the way to go. Parents don’t have to be BFFs.
Set up another play date. If she leaves, kick her a little. “You’re paying me to babysit your kid, right?” Winning smile. Sarah Palin wink. As she leaves, confused, add, “And I take overtime.”
The trick is, make fun of her. Mercilessly. But do it with a smile and a laugh to keep it good-natured. “Sure, smoke around my kids. I’ve always hoped I could watch them go through chemo.” When she gives you dagger eyes, smile, laugh, touch her shoulder. Grin, not creepily. Apologize for stepping out of line, but let her know you can’t get riled. “I’m sorry, just kidding. They’re not used to it. I’m just not a smoker.”
And she’ll say, “Oh, do you want me to put it out?”
“Well, of course I do,” say it with a little scoff and a smile. Like, duh. You don’t need to explain the dangers of smoking, because she’s heard them, and you’ll probably just piss her off. “But it’s cool for now. I just don’t want my son around cigarettes, if that’s okay.”
“No, I completely understand.”
“Thanks. Oh, I guess I should probably ask if you have any like, requests with your son. Does he have any hang-ups or food allergies or anything?”
Divulge, small talk, whatever.
Then change the subject. Quote Tina Fey. “So, Madonna’s arms are crazy, huh?”
You have to trick them into doing what you want.
rassles’s last blog post..Cyanoacrylate
I have had similar situations, and I resolved it by just ONLY having that child over at my house. And, I was the driver so when it was time for the kid to go home, I drove them there. That’s what I would do.
Nicely done, Gypsy.
Dirty Pirate Hooker’s last blog post..Everything I learned about being a whore, I got from cheesy romance novels.
Beej: I like it.
Kizz: The adult way always sucks. That sounds dirty.
Finn: Problem? What problem? My head is in the sand.
Pare: You are a feisty little thing, aren’t you? Don’t forget your lipstick.
Toys: The phrase “northern aggression” makes me want to grab a musket and defend the plantation. Weird, eh?
Rassles: I knew you’d have some good pointers for us. You are tricksy.
Hooker: Have control. Good tip.
I’m not a parent, but I know how I deal with conforntation (not well, mind you), I’m all for laying down and avoiding.
Though I have to say, Dirty Pirate Hooker ( I love that name.. typing it just makes me grin)had a good point. If yon children really had it in their heads to be friends, the get togethers could be at your house only. It could all be at your discression, and under your control. But if the kid isn’t all that into this other kid, by all means screen baby screen.
Chanda’s last blog post..Gone Baby Gone
I’m am SO on the same page with you regarding avoiding conflict.
But I do like Dirty Pirate Hooker’s advice to control the situation by only having the child at your house. The only problem I see with that is that you still don’t have control over this woman who isn’t considerate of your time. Therefore, you may be forced into a small confrontation regarding “You will need to pick your child up by xxxx o’clock because I have an appointment to have a brazilian” or something.
If the kids aren’t that hot on each other I’d just continue on with the avoidance for eternity.
Have the T-Shirt’s last blog post..What To Do?
So I just read what I wrote, and the humor approach? I can honestly say it’s exactly what I would do.
But, that’s how I make friends…through mockery. Then they make fun of me, and it’s good fun. So for me, that approach would work, because that’s how I do everything, and I would come across as sincere, because it’s me.
Someone who’s trying to fake that behavior though will probably just come off as passive aggressive.
rassles’s last blog post..Blogwatch.
I hate confrontation as well, avoid it like the plague. Must be because I was raised in a similar part of the world as you were. North Florida is lovely? OK, your part is pretty nice, but no the part I grew up in!
A Free Man’s last blog post..The advantages of a five day work week
I’m real good at making jokes. Like for instance my co-worker takes 20 minute smoke breaks several times a day and therefore can’t get her work done. Today we are in the office and she is pushing her work off on us in front of our boss. I say, “Good grief! What do you do all day that you can’t get your work done? Do we need to take away your smoke breaks and possibly your bathroom breaks”. Everyone laughed but she caught my drift.
Carrie’s last blog post..Music Meme
Despite not having any children myself, I’ve actually thought about this situation, and I think I would just have to call them back and say “I don’t like you”; whatever hurt feelings may arise would quickly be clouded-over by their sudden dislike of me.
If they were to pose follow-up questions, such as “why?” or “what do you mean?”, I would probably respond with a “does it matter?” or an unimpressed stare – whatever it took to make sure that they would avoid me at all costs should I run into them at he supermarket.
But that’s me, and a perfect example of why I usually don’t give advice.
Love you, Gypsy.
Ry